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Deadlands Season Two: Zombie Jamboree
by invisible_fool (invisible_fool)
at July 8th, 2012 (12:27 am)

The cast-
Carrie: Crazy squirrel Buddhist
Cassie: Crazy government agent.
Charlotte: Crazy teenager.
Eddie: Crazy zombie
Herbert: Crazy British hunter.
and new npc Saul: Crazy old coot




GM: Anyway, you were judging her.
CARRIE OOC: Yes, I was.

CARRIE OOC: Ah'm a thquirl! Ahmma eat your ahballs! When Ah grow up, Ah'm gonna breathe fahr!

EDDIE: Charlotte! We got zombies to kill!
CHARLOTTE: Awww...

CARRIE: I understand the theory, I just don't know what a rag is.

HERBERT: You were talkin' about those people, the, umm...
GM as NPC: The ones who move around?
HERBERT: Yes, where are they?
GM as NPC: ...They move around?

EDDIE: So if someone sucks your face you're gonna get 'em off?
CHARLOTTE: NO!

CARRIE: I fixed it.
CASSIE: You did?
CARRIE: Well, Buddha fixed it.

CHARLOTTE: What for?
EDDIE: FOR HEAVIN' YOUR BOSOM!
CARRIE: A reference to heathen boo-zooms?
CARRIE: This is a thing that attracts young men.
CHARLOTTE: Why?
EDDIE: Never you mind, you're too young.

EDDIE OOC: Who were you sayin' wants the bootay?

HERBERT: Who's responsible?
CASSIE: Someone who can raise the dead and write bad love poetry.
EDDIE: We're lookin' for a teenage nec-ro-mancer.

CARRIE: I don't think I can do it to more than one zombie. So, y'know, your guns are still good. But one on one it's less messy.

GM: You mean you don't want to watch monkey on pensioner combat to the death?

(EDDIE imitates a machine gun)
EDDIE OCC: Buddhabuddhabuddhabuddha...

CHARLOTTE: I don't want to talk about this with her. She walked out on the conversation last time.
CARRIE: I have a broad theoretical knowledge.

CASSIE OOC: She sees me as the daddy.
CARRIE OOC: I hate you.

CARRIE: I'm taking her to the whorehouse and saying “Teach her the trade.”

HERBERT: I know quite a bit about women.
CASSIE: You do?
CARRIE: HOW?

EDDIE OOC: Weirdly erotic dream... or death? Weirdly erotic dream... or death?

(stealth Eddie)
EDDIE OOC: sneak, sneak, sneak, KABOOM!

GM: There's a high-pitched squeal.
EDDIE: Right, that's go time!

(Eddie unleashes both barrels of a shotgun at 3am).
EDDIE: Sorry, did I wake you?

EDDIE OOC: Well, you have to bear in mind that Cassie is more likely to roll more damage and kill a child than she is to have her gun malfunction.
CASSIE OOC: You always have to bring that up, don't you?
EDDIE OOC: I WAS GOING TO EAT THAT BABY!

EDDIE: You tell us what to burn down!
CASSIE: WE ARE NOT BURNING ANYTHING DOWN!
EDDIE: Well, not right now, we're in a waterlogged swamp!
(Cassie flails in rage)

GM: Cassie, could you give me a Cognition roll, please?
CASSIE OOC: No. 

(After rolling more than enough to pass a check, Cassie needs time to add up the numbers)
CASSIE: Shut up, I don't normally get to count that high!

CASSIE OOC: Purdy mum's face in drain is what I heard.

EDDIE OOC: One day you may need to be in the Mile High Club. They have a secret service.

GM: Finish eating, Herbert. Put it in your mouth.

CARRIE: I don't wanna have a feel.

CARRIE OOC: I crawl to Eddie.
(Cassie starts giggling.)
CHARLOTTE OOC: You pervert.

EDDIE: You any good with a gun?
SAUL: Nope.
EDDIE: Then we ain't gonna give you one. No offence.

CARRIE OOC (with mouth full of chewy confectionery): We're like edumacated!

CASSIE OOC: Why is it every time I pass my nightmares roll I get woken up anyway?
GM: That reminds me, didn't you just go to sleep?
CASSIE OOC: Aaaargh...

(after failing a roll to stay awake)
CASSIE OOC: I assume I'm on a minus one?
GM: No, you got a good night's sleep.
CASSIE OOC: Oh... yeah. Forgotten what that felt like.

GM: What IS Cassie's dress size?
EDDIE OOC: According to Herbert, it went up recently?

GM: Herbert, when I've specified these dresses enhance the curves, do NOT call them Perks!

(on lingerie)
CARRIE: What does it do?
EDDIE: It puts a smile on men's faces.

EDDIE: Is someone having an all-undead gangbang in the middle of the swamp, Saul?
SAUL: Maybe, actually. What's an undead?

EDDIE: There's an acceptable sort of undead?
CASSIE: Well, I haven't shot you yet.
CARRIE: Why not?
EDDIE: Because she'd miss and shoot a kid.
CHARLOTTE: Dibs not it.

GM: Does this mean Carrie isn't an adult?
EDDIE OOC: She's a Buddhist.

GM: The squirrel fights to avoid this lathering up.
CARRIE (as squirrel) OOC: Why do you hate me?

EDDIE: Why are you wishing vengeance against this squirrel?
HERBERT: No reason.

CASSIE (to Eddie): Well, now you have a top hat. Let's all follow the zombie and ignore that.

(vampires are mentioned)
EDDIE OOC: Do you WANT the sparkly penis?
CASSIE OOC: I don't know, I've never had a sparkly penis!

CARRIE: I have something to help you sleep, if you want.
CHARLOTTE: Does it stop you dreaming?
CARRIE: It might make it harder for you to wake up.

HERBERT OOC: It's too early for disco.

GM: So you're taking Charlotte in her nightgown and slinging her over Eddie's shoulder?
CARRIE: We can dress her.
EDDIE: Oh, that's not creepier.

GM: Guys, I've got Cassie and Herbert knelt down here wanting to see a sparkly penis.

CARRIE OOC: No, wait, if I slept last night do I not have my not sleeping penalty?

EDDIE: Apparently we're not allowed to use fire anymore.
HERBERT: Why?
CASSIE: Because.
HERBERT: That's not an answer.
EDDIE: Herbert, this isn't the time.

CHARLOTTE OOC: Now, if you WANT a slap on the ass...

GM as NPC: ...due to an unfortunate misunderstanding...
CARRIE: What was the misunderstanding? (OOC) I activate Confession.

HERBERT OOC: I'm not going to shoot Carrie. She'd glare at me

CASSIE OOC: I'm a wabbit!

CASSIE: So are we shooting this guy or not?
EDDIE: YES!
CARRIE: No!
EDDIE: He's a necromancer!
CARRIE: But he's human and alive!
EDDIE: HEY!

CASSIE: THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE BUDDHIST GOES IN!

(at the end of a countdown)
VILLAIN: One...
HERBERT: I have a clear shot.
EDDIE: Go.
HERBERT: Should I-
EDDIE: WEHAVEACOUNTOFONE!